About Me

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Five years into widowhood, after one year of incredible happiness and nearly 14 years of single blessedness. Have given up perfect manicures and pretty hands in order to resume playing the soprano recorder and to see if I can figure out how to play bluegrass banjo. Singing in the shower. Still really, *really* love to knit!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Birthday weekend.

BittyBit's choir concert was delightful. Secondborn says that she likes to sing. I could tell that she doesn't like to be onstage. Those kids rocked "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho"! And I loved the drumming in the first part of the program.

My eye exam went well. Prescription has been essentially unchanged for the past five years. I'm holding off on a new pair of glasses until I'm about halfway to my target weight, so I won't have to wrangle glasses that have become too wide for my face. The vision plan pays for a new pair of frames every other year. These glasses are two years old but holding up well. So maybe later this year.

I had a banjo lesson Thursday night. It went well. I got a little assertive. I hadn't practiced much all month, because the new song required learning two new techniques. (And that just felt like more than I could manage, when I took so long to figure out the high E on Olive. And was behind on my quilt blocks. And hadn't picked up a pencil in a month and a half because the next learning exercise intimidates me.) So I took a list of songs I want to be able to play, and I came home with simplified arrangements for "Amazing Grace" and "Simple Gifts". Practicing last night was pure, unadulterated joy. I played until my left bicep ached.

Recorder practice has also been going well. I'm up to 35 minutes at a whack, with the ultimate goal of playing for an hour or more.

I met my friend MA for lunch on Thursday. She wanted to pick my brain about something. And I was sufficiently relaxed that there were brains for the picking. I did some window shopping after that, chiefly for the exercise, until it was time to meet Brother Sushi for dinner.

I've done a little shopping while I've been off. Chiefly groceries, but also an uplight for the living room. A few knitting accessories. More boxes for my CD's. Some magazines. Envelopes for visiting teaching.

I have been a little nervous about the idea of retirement. What would I do to stay busy and involved? The past three days have been delicious. I still awoke at approximately the usual time. Still went to the gym. Had plenty of time for music practice. Got to visit or serve friends. Adequate time to read for pleasure. Not one drop of boredom. And only one nap, because I was getting seven hours of sleep a night.

I spent two or three hours yesterday on YouTube, listening to several arrangements of a song that's been on my mind. Singing along. I'm still finding my voice in this place. More often than I would like, it still feels like Pati's house. I didn't sing much when Beloved was still alive. Sometimes it would burst out when I was in the shower. But I was a little shy of singing around him, because I know that she had a glorious voice.

It is the one aspect of my relationship with him in which I felt insecure. The children's father, for all his faults or weaknesses, loved my voice and loved to sing with me. It was one of the places where we truly fit together. Beloved did not sing. Would not sing. Because too many people told him he should not. Which makes me want to hunt those people up and bite them.

So, now I sing. Some days it is quiet and tentative. Some days my heart is so full that I croak. Some days it just pours out of me. I hope Beloved is singing in Heaven. I hope that his voice is so joyful and true that it shames the people who shamed him.

It's been a good birthday. A sacred space for love and learning. I want a lot more of these before I go Home.

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