About Me

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Four years into widowhood, after one year of incredible happiness and nearly 14 years of single blessedness. Have given up perfect manicures and pretty hands in order to resume playing the soprano recorder and to see if I can figure out how to play bluegrass banjo. Singing in the shower. Still really, *really* love to knit!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Shame and vulnerability and shopping

I am reading Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly and squirming, just a little. Yesterday was a difficult day, and I am still processing it and likely to be so for some time to come. We got some much needed rain, and I'm trying to reconstruct what happened. I was driving carefully in a light drizzle, and there was a blue car, and I needed to take evasive action, and I stepped on the brakes and skidded, crossed into the next lane, hit the curb, and got rear-ended. It all happened very fast. I pulled into a convenient parking lot, the car that hit me pulled in after me, we got out and compared damages. Cosmetic, only, as far as the cars were concerned. Lorelai's back bumper is scuffed. Her front bumper was about the same. We were both unhurt. Exchanged insurance information, confirmed that neither of us intended to make a claim, and went on our way, feeling relieved and grateful and immensely blessed.

I took my sweet time coming home last night, first by way of Pier One, where I bought candy corn votive candles and a beaded placemat. From there to Trader Joe's for some chocolate covered ginger. Then to Bueno for a black bean burrito, and Michaels for faux pumpkins to put on the shelf above my wing chair. The pumpkins are up on the shelf and utterly charming. The candles, which I'd thought I would be using somewhat differently, are lined up on the other end of the shelf. I returned the beaded placemat after work tonight, as it was the wrong size for the place I'd had in mind for it.

I realized, amid the reading and the pondering, that I went shopping in order to reestablish some sense of control over my life. I might not have been able to keep that car from pulling out in front of me, but I can decorate a shelf. I might have wanted to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's, or a slice of cheesecake, but I can choose a more sensible comfort food. I might be shaken at how quickly I could have been gone had Heaven not chosen to protect the other driver and me. I thought I would probably wake up this morning stiff as a board, but I have moved with relative ease all day. I am grateful for the protection we received, and that we did not cause a multi-car pileup, but I am also still a bit rattled.

What I think happened, is that a car pulled out from a side street to my left and cut in, in front of me. There is a side street in the right place, and a cutout, shortly before where it happened. But I don't have a clear picture in my mind, because it happened so quickly. Swerve, skid, curb, TAP, oh bleep.

And everybody in front of us and behind us just kept on going.

I know what didn't happen. I know that I did not black out, that I was not distracted, that I was not speeding or zipping from one lane to another. Thankfully, we were a little bit south of a light which had just changed, and we were not going very fast.

I've prayed to see what happened, but so far no dice. Maybe in my dreams tonight.

In other news, the crickets are going nuts outside. Ick. And I ordered my Christmas present from the corporation yesterday. I'm getting a white noise machine. And the first pink baby sock is on the home stretch. I am going to grab some ginger and take my meds and read for maybe two and a half minutes, and then go to bed.

Tired. Grateful. Amazed. Tired. Did I mention tired?

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