Ho! Ho! Huh?

It’s time to select my Christmas gift from corporate. Usually I have to choose between two or three items that appeal to me; this year it’s harder. I get stuff that I know I need and am not willing to spend money on. [Typically, items for family preparedness.] I have a 3/8” cordless drill, a sun shelter, a two-person tent, among other things. Also two very nice Calphalon pans, which get regular use.

So this year, do I get:
1. A new level? In case I want to hang pictures at 2:00 am and do not already have Brother Sushi’s laser level resting atop my toolbox. I have Dad’s level, but it’s vintage and about a foot long; this puppy is a yard long and also suitable for smacking home invaders upside the head should they sneak in at night to make off with my yarn stash. Or my virtue.
2. A palm sander? To take the calluses off my heels.
3. A sleeping bag? Because we know how crazy I am about camping, but it would go with the tent.
4. A square griddle? Only the other day, I was thinking how nice it would be to have one. No, I am not kidding; Brother Sushi has infected me with Kitchen Toy Virus, which as we all know is incurable.
5. Steak knives? I have one remaining of the six or eight we were given when I married the children’s father. And strictly speaking, that is sufficient for my needs. I generally eat steak two or three times a year, usually when eating out with Brother Sushi and it’s *his* turn to buy.
6. A lantern with FM radio? To listen to while camping out in the back yard in my tent?
7. A Santoku knife set? For my important chopping needs. [Girls, does this remind you of season one of Gilmore Girls? “I have important thickening needs.” Good times!]
8. A heated blanket to go into the trunk of my car? Because there is no “Armstrong heater” in my life.
9. A flash drive? Definitely on my list.
10. A digital audio player? Ditto.
11. A self-powered emergency radio? Another good item to go into my 72-hour kit. With my fishing pole.

I suppose that before I decide, it wouldn’t hurt to traipse over to the 10th Anniversary Catalog. [I qualify for that next spring.] Do a little comparison shopping, and probably make myself even crazier in the process:
1. Three-piece luggage set
2. Portable DVD player
3. Home theatre kit
4. Micro stereo system
5. Circular saw [!!!]
6. Bose around-ear headphones, because the only thing I want *in* my ears are “sweet nothings”.
7. Really amazing knife set. If I wanted to go into vaudeville, I would be set for life! May I have a volunteer from the audience?

Oh man! This isn’t helping.

Random synaptic firing: I have come up with the perfect retirement job. I could open an ice cream store and call it Custard’s Last Stand. I wonder how many other people have come up with the same idea? Wow. That many. 16,800 hits on Google, and a website. And a culinary mystery series [with recipes] set in Pennsylvania. And a movie made in 1914.

Lest you think that I have been hitting the juice, time for something serious.