About Me

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Five years into widowhood, after one year of incredible happiness and nearly 14 years of single blessedness. Have given up perfect manicures and pretty hands in order to resume playing the soprano recorder and to see if I can figure out how to play bluegrass banjo. Singing in the shower. Still really, *really* love to knit!

Monday, May 09, 2011

Meh. Or maybe not.

So thankful for girlfriends and daughters, this weekend. Secondborn and tribe invited me over for dinner after church, and 2BDH cooked up breakfast-for-dinner, always one of my favorites. Had a nice chat with her afterward, talking about Nita and the new guy and the relatively non-perilous state of my finances. She and Middlest have been, well, gobsmacked over how much Nita’s death has affected them. They were just kids when we lived with Larry and Nita for a month and a half, but that loving influence was a source of strength to all of us.

Thanks, too, to Ms. Tola for the FB chat last night. I had a good night’s sleep and woke without the alarm this morning, at the time I’d had in mind for getting up and getting on with the day. Good thing, too, as I’d forgotten to set the alarm. But in between the talk and the crash, I grabbed my French hymnal and sang some of my favorite hymns en fran├žais. Music had me in tears all day (I was a soggy mess during sacrament meeting), but the tears last night were ones of peace and connection.

I have worked so hard, over the years, to be able to feel the full range of human emotions. I spent eight years of my marriage cycling in and out of depression, and so it’s always a little scary for me when the primary feelings are those of sadness, but I’ve lost enough people [Dad, Mom, my favorite aunt] to know that it’s a normal and necessary part of the grieving process, and that it will come in waves and eventually be gone.

Still, I missed Mom yesterday and wished that she were here for me to talk to. I know that she has a better perspective on my life as it is, and as it will be, from where she is now, and it’s not so much that I’d like to take advantage of that. I just wanted my mommy.

Today is better, for no discernible reason, but it just is.

Something cute and sweet happened in the middle of my sniffle-fest at church yesterday. I was sitting on a folding chair in the overflow at the back of the chapel. One of my VT’s and her small tribe came in shortly after I did, and occupied the other end of the row. Soon after the sacrament had been passed, the middle daughter, who is one of my Primary kids, came over and sat next to me. This is the one who usually climbs up in my lap during sharing time [when all the Primary classes meet together]. Sometimes the angels whom Heaven sends to comfort us, are four years old and on the wiggly end of the reverence spectrum.

I got all 363 stitches cast on for Willow’s scarf and the first row of pattern knitted last night. I am going to get ready for work, and then I am going to curl up on the couch and work the second row, before heading out the door.

Heading over to my home teacher’s house tonight after work, for a quick visit. I realized on Friday when my paycheck hit, that I have nearly $500 in savings, among three buckets. I might have to dip into that before next payday, to keep Lorelai in gas, but what I have done the past two paydays, is to replenish any draws after paying my tithing but before paying bills. I am also attempting to live on 24 paychecks this year instead of all 26. It’s a small but significant paradigm shift, aided by the fact that no dolls are calling my name, but one that I think will pay big dividends over time. Plus, I am closer to being debt-free, because I am repaying more than the contractual amount. My spreadsheet is still in the bowels of my old computer; I need to remedy that, because one of my payday highs is watching that balance go down, down, down.

What does all this have to do with seeing my home teacher tonight? I want to do a return-and-report. And I would like his input on my growing frustration over the status quo with the new guy. Thankfully, I know enough to know that I should not make any important decisions while I am grieving, and my rational brain understands many of the reasons why we are not moving forward, but there is a part of me that says look, you’ve been dating him for nearly a year, and it’s nice, but is it going anywhere, and you’ve already been patient about the process for six times as long as you used to be, let’s see some progress here.

I am going to take Ms. Tola’s excellent advice and discuss this at my monthly dinner with Brother Sushi on Friday, as well as with the bishop tonight. And maybe bring Trainman into it. But for now? Not doing so well with the Thy will, and Thy timing, be done thing.

Blowing my nose, wiping my eyes, and heading out to the kitchen to pack lunch. Life is still good, and wonderful, and all that, but if you need anyone or anything bitten today, I am probably the woman for the job.


Tola said...

"the wiggly end of the reverence spectrum" LOVE it!!

Bonnie said...

I don't need anything bitten, but I did have a wonderful chat with you last night, notwithstanding the bitties jumping all around us.