About Me

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Five years into widowhood, after one year of incredible happiness and nearly 14 years of single blessedness. Have given up perfect manicures and pretty hands in order to resume playing the soprano recorder and to see if I can figure out how to play bluegrass banjo. Singing in the shower. Still really, *really* love to knit!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Crazy is as crazy does.

My friend Leslye linked to this on Facebook recently.

I didn’t want to say too much in that forum. I feel a bit more free, here, where everybody has code names.

FirstHubby, when we were both young and insensitive, used to stand outside the shower and howl when I sang in the shower. My voice is better now than it was then. His social skills are better now than they were then. We have been friends-again for the past nine years, and in the eternal scheme of things he was by far the less obnoxious of us.

The phrase that jumped out at me from this article was emotionally mute. That was me, for at least eight years of my twenty year marriage to the children’s father, the years which I spent cycling in and out of depression. He never put me down, never physically abused me, never did anything which I could really put my finger on. He just refused to see that there were any problems in our family. It got to where, when our home teachers would come for their monthly visit, he would talk deep points of doctrine with them until it was time for them to go. And then I would walk outside with them and stand at their car door and tell them what was going on in our family.

I’m not seeing any signs of gaslighting with the new guy or his family. He talks a lot and tells great stories, but he also listens a lot, and he remembers what I tell him, and while it is likely to take some time before I entirely lose the feeling that if I were to disagree with a man I loved, the man would stop loving me, I have had some practice being brave in this friendship and the one with Brother Sushi.

I am so thankful for both of them.

In other news, my massage therapist was pleased last night to see the changes that have taken place in my body since she worked on me ten days ago. Not to mention how much better I’m doing than when we started. She says that initially the inflammation went up a little above my knees. Now it has receded to my ankles and lower calves. My arms are also more relaxed; there’s just one small trouble spot in my right upper arm, and my back is doing well. We’re both looking forward to seeing how much improvement happens over the next ten days. She says it looks as if I’ve lost some weight. Not sure about that, as I haven’t noticed any difference in how my clothes fit.

Today is our ward’s temple session. The new guy is meeting me there. He gets to meet my bishop. Is it evil that I am really looking forward to that? Then he and I are having lunch, assuming we can find someplace that serves food which won’t be problematic, and discuss what munchies to take fishing on Monday morning. From there I’ll go to see Sister Biofeedback and pick up a month’s supply of enzymes, and then meet LittleBit at Braum’s [sigh] where, with the enzymes, I will be able to eat their frozen yogurt. Probably.

Skipping the dance tonight, because least-favorite DJ will be in charge. But I will probably be needing a nap at that point anyway, and if not I can continue the puttering which has been gently rolling along all week.

We got rain last night. Puddle-jumping, frog-strangling, rain! I drove down my street[!!!] and tried to cross the gap into my driveway. It was a little too steep and a lot too squishy to proceed, so I backed up and drove to the neighbors’ [blessedly empty] circular driveway, up it, and across six inches of grass and grit into my own. Which was puddled like you would not believe. I will repeat the process in reverse this morning.

Trying to think where my umbrella might be...


AlisonH said...

Hey, but you have a really good bishop!

Jenni said...

I think about what you said about being afraid to voice my opinions and have someone stop loving me. I displayed behavior like that a little in my realtionship with Nintendo Man's oldest. He was so spurprised when he came home after being gone for two years and our relationship (as friends) was sooo different. Mostly because I had opinions and expressed them. Then with my most diasterous relationship, I tried to love him enough to make him love me back like I wanted. I was emotionally abused in that time, but didn't realize it. I don't know that he quite did either.