Ten days of whatever. Day One.

Stolen from the blogs of some of my offspring. I needed to wait until I could draft all the answers at once, because we see how well I did in posting the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Yes, some people are wishing you well in your new relationship, but you’re still married, and therefore you do not have the right to be in a relationship, and anyone who is congratulating you on a relationship that is as wrongful as your still-husband’s with The Other Woman, does not understand how the universe works and/or does not have your best interests at heart.

2. Stop chasing Barbies. They only want you to pay for their plastic surgeries, and once their bodies have healed, they will take off with Kens. [No, I am not volunteering for the job; we would make one another crazy in record time. But somebody our age would be a step in the right direction.]

3. Why are you so cranky with most of your co-workers? What has happened in your life to incline you to suspect the worst of others, and to speak as if you had razor blade soup for breakfast every day?

4. Thank you for marrying a shattered woman, even though neither of us dreamed how badly I was broken, and for loving me, and forgiving me, and for asking if we could be friends again after two and a half decades. I know you wish the girls were yours. Sometimes I wish that, too.

5. Thank you for baptizing me into the church. You saved my life, and this road not-often-chosen has been and continues to be a marvelous adventure.

6. Because of you, I have read all of Shakespeare, learned to love classical music, had the courage to take voice lessons, learned to milk a goat, and [briefly] starved. I have a working knowledge of King Benjamin’s statement that “there must needs be an opposition in all things.” Thank you for our girls. There is a part of me that will always love you, but she does not get a vote.

7. Thank you for taking me out for Death by Chocolate after Dad died, and for loving me when I was so depressed that I could barely manage to brush my teeth. Thank you for holding my hand while the midwife stitched me up. Thank you for those nights with our nursing babies at the greeting card rack in the grocery store, when you and I were both so poor we couldn’t pay attention, and we read cards to one another until we were shaking so hard from suppressed laughter that we couldn’t stand upright.

8. Thank you, dear roommate, for saying, when the boy du jour recited his list of what he required in a wife, “So, if she’s perfect, why would she marry you?” And for making me crack up, even after all these years, when I sing one of our hymns that contains the last name of that boy, as I remember you cracking up while conducting it back in the singles ward [and not being able to look me in the eye for the rest of the hymn]. Good times.

9. My favorite Nintendo partner, ever. I miss the bickering and the bantering and the crazy chemistry. I cherish your honesty. You’re a far better man than you think you are. May you finally let go of your obsession with her, so you are free to love somebody who will respect you and love you back.

10. Thank you for praying me into the church. I am happy to have my grandchildren call me by the name by which I called you. I try to live up to your feisty example.